“Crazy” is like a vampire. When it knocks on your door you have to invite it in and it won’t leave until it sucks the life out of you.
That said, this week “crazy” came knocking and I let it in – metaphorically- and left me drained, shaking my head in amazement and so many other feelings I haven’t even begun to process. When Crazy knocked, I missed a big opportunity to “stretch” into becoming a better person because I let it drag me down a bit. I am inclined to say that once you hear this story, you won’t blame me so here’s it is. It’s a long one, but trust me… it’s very entertaining and I’m sure you will find holds some lessons for all of us.
First. a little backstory.
I met someone on the Internet about 3 years ago and went out on a date with her. I really wasn’t interested in her for various reasons the most annoying being that she had this exhausting way of making a lot of words come out of her mouth without actually saying anything. The more words came out of her mouth, the more I got a physical reaction that was akin to being literally drained. Being in her presence was literally tiring.
After we parted ways, a few friendly emails were exchanged, but I had no interest in going out with her again. Time went on and about 3 years passed and one day, out of the blue, I get an email from her asking me to go to the Aquarium with this lesbian Meetup group. I guess the years had fogged my memory so I agreed to go.
The day of the Aquarium trip, I met the Meetup group and was thankful for their presence when my “date” showed up and the tons nonsensical words starting coming out of her mouth. I was immediately reminded why I hadn’t wanted to see her again after our first meeting. All the words! Words! Words that were coming out of her mouth didn’t make any sense and I felt that feeling of exhaustion come over me.
So… the trip to the Aquarium was about 4 months ago and because my memory was jarred, that was that – until I received an email from her 2 days ago.
Here it is (verbatim):
Hey Tara,
How’re you? Hope the summer’s been treating you well
I felt like asking various white lesbians I know something, and I hope you might hear this question without assuming anything about my attitudes or becoming totally reactionary. I’ve asked a couple white lesbian friends and got into a big fight with one who not only answered my question, but also seemed to have to tell me all about myself. That said, I am the one asking people and appreciate measured but open feedback.
I’m sorta interested in starting a meetup for white bi and lesbian women. It’s motivated a small bit out of reaction to a lot of the racism in NYC towards white people and white women, but 95% of it is really just out of a feeling of a need to find white women for community and possible dating, etc. I grew up a total minority, amongst a majority of southern Italians (the mafia kind) and also eastern european and north african jews. So I’ve always sort of been without a larger scale white community, except as a swimmer which I was throughout highschool and wasn’t part of the town I went to highschool in.
I’m much more attracted to white women generally, and miss having more white women’s community. I’m more focused especially on northwestern european women, but anyone who felt the word white applied to them could come, I’m not an exclusivist. I feel more of a resonance with white people and especially as pertains to lesbians with white culture, the gender roles that seem more natural to me among white people (although obviously there are huge disparities between white people on that and most things).
So anyway, I just thought I’d ask variious white lesbian/bi friends and acquaintances if they would have any interest if they saw a meetup like that, or if they would just think I was being racist or something. I don’t mind being told that, I just don’t want a lecture about it. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there are tons of meetups for lesbian/bi women of color of all sorts. So this would hardly be me starting to make issues of ethnicity. Also, I have heard various stories of how much hostility there is in NYC and in my life also some in NJ and DC towards white women, so it would be nice to have a safe space, although again my main point is just a social community that’s positive, not reactionary.Okay, I’ve blabbed enough. Thanks for reading and any response,
“E”
“WHAT??” I won’t include her name for obvious reasons, but I was stunned. I mean… First of all.. “racism against white people?” That’s impossible, racism and especially institutional racism is about power and in case you haven’t noticed, white people been in charge of the show since recorded history. They made the rules and rigged the game in their favor. I’ve lived in NYC my entire life and have never once been “discriminated” against as a white person!
This woman is not just cracked in the normal, every-day way … you know… self-esteem issues… self doubt… NORMAL kinda crazy – but is an actual nutter with a Bizzarro Worldview. In her own private apocalypse, everyone is sectioned in their rigid categories and people of color are banding against her. Who is this person? Who does she think I am? She doesn’t even have the sense to know that she should be embarrassed of such nonsensical thinking. Of all the “crazy” that came out of her mouth while at the Aquarium, it didn’t come close to this racist crap! I was stunned! I live in New York City in the 21st century. I found it hard to believe that there is actually someone my generation thinks like this – but there was the proof. It was disheartening. Didn’t we get through this already? Didn’t we evolve out of this with all that marching that was done? Remember the fire-hoses and police dogs? Didn’t we get THROUGH this? I sat there staring at my computer screen while my mind was flooded with questions, “is this for real?” “OMG?” “What the Hell?”
I shared it with my co-worker who happens to be African American and, besides being slightly tickled at the archaic thinking of a contemporary woman, had a conversation about race. I said, “Here is an actual window into the mind of an outright racist.” It was as fascinating. If I were still in school, I could write a term paper about it.
Of course I had to respond… and here it is:
Wow I am in shock and really don’t know what to say
White culture? I guess you won’t understand this but there is no “white culture.” There may be “Italian culture” or “Irish culture” but “white” is too broad a category to narrow it down to a specific culture – unless, of course, one is a white racist – then “white culture” holds a distorted resonance. White racists also generally feel “put upon” by people of color who have been oppressed, vilified, devalued, dehumanized and ostracized by that white power structure from time immemorial and attempt to band together to create a supportive community, such as the “women of color” group you refer to. In fact, pointing to a “women of color” group as a reason why a “white lesbians” group is necessary is the same argument homophobes make when they rail against, say, the gay pride parade. “We don’t have a straight pride parade” they exclaim! Well… that’s because EVERY DAY is straight pride day.
Yes. Your “white lesbians” group is racist and I really want no part of it.
I’m not sure if you can even understand as it seems you may be blind to your own, pretty overt, racism.
I have a real hard time ignoring injustice and ignorance and often speak my mind in a way that some consider “harsh.” My feeling is that we only here on the planet for a short time and will never evolve if sometimes we don’t hear some harsh words that “tell us about ourselves.” Truly, the best friends I’ve ever had – the one’s who truly changed my life for the better have been the ones who “told me about myself” – and sometimes in a harsh way. But, one does have to be “ready” to hear it. If one is not ready… then words will often be greeted with anger and finger pointing – which leads me to her response to my response: (again, all verbatim – including spelling.)
Well, thanks for the feedback anyway.
White culture meant to me specifically Irish, German, Dutch, British, Scandinavian, etc. and in fact it was more in reaction to the mediterranean culture of Italians, Jews etc. in regards to gender roles. While there are, as I state, huge disparities among white people, of ethnicity, class, character, gender, etc, the truth is there are overriding themes of very differnet roles of gender specifically if you compare the overall mediterranean culture to the northern european one. Witness a history of female leaders, all over the northern european area and history to the present, Angela Merkel, the president of Ireland is a woman, there is an all-female political party in Sweden that is one of the most powerful, Margaret Thatcher, etc. etc. The fact is that while these ‘white’ ethnicities are all different they are still similar in many basic ways too, and stand in very stark contrast to the mediterranean culture and gender roles.
How many dates have you gone on with black people? I’m curious, cuz I’ve gone on quite a few, both mene and women, have had numerous black friends, and also have had to experience incredible attacks from black culture too. There are, BTW, both southern italians and many hispanics in my mostly irish catholic huge family.
What I suspect Tara is that this issue of race might be something you have inside of you, not me.
Well, I still appreciate your effort/response however unbelievably ignorant and projecting it was onto me.
Take care, “E”
I mean… “WHAT?” Do you see what I mean by all the words coming out of her mouth without any sense attached? We could really deconstruct that letter – especially the ” Irish, German, Dutch, British, Scandinavian, etc…” being “white culture” when all those cultures are cultures on to themselves. One can’t counter “crazy” with logic because “crazy” is… well… crazy. At this point, any doubt that I was corresponding with someone who was spent most of her time on another planet was dispelled but rather than disengaging,
I continued to respond and here’s where it really started to devolve…
Wow. Now I’m the racist because I don’t have an overly-hyper preoccupation with “mediterranean culture” “northern european” “north african jews” “Italians” and whatever the Hell else? Who thinks like that but someone who is clearly preoccupied with race? You really need to look at yourself and stop projecting your seriously overt racism on others and society at large. Are you actually in amazement as to why people would have a negative reaction to your “white lesbians” group? You’ve been discriminated against as a white woman? “A safe place for white people?” Please! Perhaps you “experience incredible attacks” because you lack the ability to recognize that you are an outright racist? Run your “white lesbians” group idea past your plethora of black friends. I’m sure the “incredible attacks” will continue.
The only thing “unbelievably ignorant and projecting” is that incredibly offensive email. If it quacks like a duck, it is a duck and frankly, you are a duck.
At this point, knowing that I was dealing with someone on the farther side of Moonbat, I should have put her email into the “blocked” category for the sake of my OWN sanity. Truthfully, I was somewhat fascinated by her warped mind and was finding peering into it rather entertaining and comical. That’s MY spiritual sickness. I know that someone more evolved would find such a pastime nonproductive.
Anyway… she sent back another reply… (again, spelling errors are verbatim)
Your seeming anger is really shocking to me, and I have to tell you, all I said is that race might be an issue you believe in. I don’t. I believe in class and ethnicity, and that race is just a construct of the class system.
I won’t further this exchange other than to say I was nothing but polite and even gracious when you accused me of being a white racist, etc. You have no idea what it’s like to be a white person and woman and lesbian in certain situations. Actually, my black close friend is very supportive of me and specifically recognizes how white woman-hating whole elements of both society and black culture is. Again, your lack of real experience with these issues seems liike an issue, although I never called you a racist as you did me.
I have nothing else to say, but again, I do appreciate you responding and reading, and did not mean to engage such hostility. You could have simply just said, I wouldn’t be interested, without going on and on about what an incredible racist I am and how unbelievably priveleged I am. You know nothing about my life and I presume nothing about yours.
Take care in spite of all “E”
Now, let me digress… I am not posting these emails out of a sense of “revenge” or trying to embarrass this person – if that were the case, I would have posted her real name and email. Although, I do think that a little public shaming at times can do wonders to put someone on the fast-track to meet their spiritual awakening – but in this particular case, that would be a futile venture because in order for that to happen the path has to be unblocked by denial.
That said, what a fascinating and frightening look into the mind of someone in the grip of DEEP, deep denial and blind to the role they play in creating havoc in their own lives. The reason I say it is frightening is because her denial is not centered on something benign and innocuous like, say hypothetically, whether she believes her ass is thin when it is not, but rather a societal construct with deep, painful, historical and institutional roots. Rather than add healing to a world that desperately needs it, her “white’s only” group surely strikes a painful chord in many both black and white. Hence the “incredible” perceived “attacks” she experiences which are no doubt moments in where her outright racism is challenged. Let’s also delve deeper and add the extra layer that this group she wants to establish is to be a “whites-only” group for lesbians! So let the cycle of pain and division roll on as those who have been ostracized as a group by the power structure are now seeking to perpetuate further division and racism! Where does this crap end?!!
Any normal person can see I didn’t “accuse” her of being a racist, her words betrayed her as such. I am fascinated that she finds that a label so appropriately applied to her as “offensive” but the reactions she elicits due to her hateful and disgusting worldview as “shocking!”
She is the “Mr. Magoo” of racists- blindly perpetrating ignorance, stumbling around shocked as she narrowly dodges, (sometime unsuccessfully) the wrath of those she marginalizes.
So here’s my next response:
Trust me. ALL I need to know about your life is revealed in these emails. In fact, they speak (incredibly disturbing) volumes.
I would say “good luck with your whites only group” but find it so ridiculously distorted I am more inclined to simply continue to shake my head in utter amazement. Irish, German, Dutch, British, Scandinavian, etc? White culture? I think that group already exists. You can find it under “K” in the phone book.
The emails went back and forth a couple more times, but for the sake of brevity, let me just say that for the fact I wouldn’t join her racist group, she suggested that I…
“find the local “Kill white people=pigs” panther party”
…because in her world, if a person doesn’t want to join a racist group, then they hate white people I guess?
In regard the invitation to join the “white’s only” group, she wrote:
“You could have simply just said, I wouldn’t be interested, without going on and on about what an incredible racist I am…
I could no more politely decline such an offensive invitation as I could simply get out a dishrag and say, “no worries. I’ll clean it up,” if someone dropped a turd on my dining room table!
I believe it is a duty to resolutely stand up against ignorance.
Finally. I told her to get lost and blocked her email – something I should have done a lot sooner but was far too tickled. Her mind was a twisted wreck and I was rubbernecking in fascination.
As the saying goes “There are none so blind as those who will not see.”This entire world runs on the law of cause and effect – and THAT law is strict and sometimes it is immediate whether we recognize it or not. This poor, racist sap lives in a world where she is a persecuted victim of the people she is working to persecute without a clue that she is the cause of her troubles!
As I write this I feel a little emotional hangover from the whole experience. As interesting, amusing, disturbing and frightening as it was to get a glimpse into that woman’s mind, the best thing I could have done for my own mental health was disengage a lot sooner. As the prayer goes… “accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” This is definitely a case of “the wisdom to know the difference.”
I hope you enjoyed this slice of crazy. If you have stories of your own experiences with anything similar, I would really love to hear it.
Best,
