This was a tough week for me. It seems like the life I am trying to build isn’t happening fast enough and I started to get discouraged. I’m sorry to say that I can’t tell you a great tale of victory of how I “turned it around,” had a great spiritual awakening and went on to have the most fabulous, amazing time of my life. I actually had some moments this week where I just wanted to get drunk and forget my troubles while lamenting, “poor me… poor me… pour me a drink!”
Shakespeare said, “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Sometimes, nothing changes but the way I look at it.
Thoughts are like a raging river. I can stand on the side of the river and watch them go by or I can fall in the river and get swept away. When I fall in the river and get swept away, it sometimes takes friends to pull me out.
Random Facts About Positive Thinking.
I don’t know anyone who spends more time and effort on maintaining a positive attitude than myself. I’m not patting myself on the back, but just stating a fact. And it’s not out of any virtue that I must exert so much effort on a how to be happy, it is purely out of necessity. In the past, I lived many days of my life in emotional, psychological and spiritual pain. I am fortunate enough to have survived those years where I was my own worst enemy. The only reason I am able to enjoy my life today is because I finally understood that my thoughts were killing me and took action to change them.
Sometimes, I wish I could be like other people and merely “just be happy.”
But I am not like other people. I am not a naturally happy person… I mean… I do believe that I was born happy but I grew up in a violent and dysfunctional household and therefore negativity became my knee-jerk reaction to life. I am not saying that to point fingers or to get sympathy although I did that for many years. For years, I used my dysfunctional childhood as a crutch that I beat everyone over the head with when they challenged my negativity or bad behavior. I also used it as an excuse to not do anything about my life. I felt powerless. On the ship of happiness I wasn’t a member of the crew, or even a passenger, but merely dead weight in the hold.
Understanding that negativity is a habit that diminished the quality of my life finally gave me the freedom to do something about it – but there is work to be done.
Just like a diabetic must monitor their diet and take insulin, I must monitor my thoughts and behavior. A diabetic might curse their fate, wishing that they didn’t have to be so vigilant. But as long as they continue to maintain their life saving routine, they will continue to feel the healthy benefits.
Mental Health experts agree that the way we think about ourselves, or our self worth, is woven in early childhood. From around the ages of 3 to 5 years old, everything a child experiences is absorbed and formed into what is known as “core beliefs.” We take these beliefs into our adulthood as the filter through which we see the world and shape all of our experiences.
If a child grew up criticized, neglected or abused in any way we can see the effects of this manifested as low self-esteem, disastrous relationships and self-defeating life choices.
Although the child may no longer literally hear the criticizing voice of a parent, they will continue the pattern with negative self-talk. Many times this is unconscious. The negative filter will taint every positive experience, and the person will live as if life is an affliction to be barely tolerated.
Been there. Done that. Not knowing that my negative self-talk was contributing to my misery, I lived like that for years. Hey, what was I supposed to think? It spoke to me in my own voice so it seemed like the truth. I used to say things like, “I hate myself,” “Why was I born?” and “I’m ugly” no matter how many people spoke words to the contrary. Often, I said these things in the guise of “jest” but deep down that is how I felt. When I look back, I feel sad about that little girl who felt that way. When I got older my sadness turned to anger about it and I spent a long period of time hating my parents for their inability to, well… parent.
The anger didn’t serve me either and didn’t change my negative thinking. I was caught in the notion that if I could get my parents to validate the pain they caused me, I could finally be happy. This was a trap too. For myself and for many of us, that day never came.
Finally I had to understand that my happiness was in my own hands and although the negativity of my childhood had stopped long ago, I was perpetuating it by doing it to myself.
Negative Self-talk is like a cunning saboteur who stealthily works against our happiness. It is the programming that we adopted before we were even aware that it was being installed. Now that we’ve established this fact, let’s also establish the fact that it can be controlled.
Researchers can actually predict whether a relationship will survive by counting positive to negative comments. If the ratio is at least five to one the relationship is strong and healthy.
What can we do if the negative comments are coming from inside us?
Henry Ford said, “If you think you can or you can’t, you’re right” and he was right. The words we use set the limits to our lives and this especially includes the words we think.
Simply put, your thoughts can change your life.
Negative thinking is like junk food. It’s easy to get but holds no nutritional value. If we consume too much junk food, we will feel horrible and be sick. In fact, we may be so used to negative thinking, we may think that it’s the only way to live. When I was caught in negative thinking for years, I was so attached to it that if anyone challenged me I got angry and accused him or her of not “honoring my pain.”
It seems silly now because ultimately, I really didn’t want to feel bad. I wanted to be happy but just didn’t know how. If you are currently stuck in the pattern of negative thinking please know that you CAN change it. Granted, you may have had many painful experiences. That is not to be denied. Perhaps you have been betrayed, abandoned or hurt badly. Maybe you were abused or neglected as a child and that has colored your adulthood. I’m here to tell you – me too! I have been there – but came to a point in my life where I no longer wanted to be defined by my pain. I wanted to nurture the best in me, not the worst. I had to make a decision to leave the past in the past and transform it into something that could possibly help people. We who have suffered the most deserve the most joy! We can turn that poison into medicine and help heal the world – and us. If we stay stuck in our pain, we are continuing the patterns of the people who hurt us – except now WE’RE doing it! I think we deserve better.
Believe it or not, you actually CAN control your thoughts. Once you understand this, you are empowered to create the life you want. Consistency is the key. Changing any negative pattern is an ongoing process that we have to re-commit to every day. Rest assured that it gets easier over time. You will be amazed how your thoughts color your world.
