Regular visitors of this site know that I am strong advocate of volunteerism and action. If you are a person in pursuit of happiness, giving your time to a worthy cause is a sure-fire way to beat the blues and improve the quality of your life. Sometimes, focusing on our problems and replaying them in our heads again and again only serves to dig us deeper into the hole of self-pity and depression. If we are in the habit of doing this, spending time helping others is a sure fire way to stop this negative thought pattern. Simply put, volunteering makes us feel better but it also has another tangible benefit – it improves the chances of finding quality friends as well as a quality mate.
Human beings are social creatures yet many of us struggle with relationships. It is said that relationships are like putting “Miracle Grow” on our character defects so it is important to come from a place of self-worth when looking for a mate (or friends, for that matter). Nobody is perfect and nobody is going to “fix us” or “make us happy.” We make ourselves happy. To put such pressure on a partner will only serve to breed resentment as that person will inevitably fail in that task. The saying, “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself” is the truth. With this in mind, we improve our chances of finding a “quality” mate (and quality friendships) while engaged in altruistic activities – and the science backs this up.
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Nine years ago, I came home from work to find my answering machine filled up with messages. Some were from people I hadn’t heard from in a long time saying things like, “Tara. Call me. It’s about Katrina.”
Since Katrina and I are both in recovery from addiction, my first thought was, “please… someone just tell me that she relapsed.” In my gut I knew that the truth was far worse and it was soon confirmed. She had suffered an aneurism and was now laying brain dead in a Staten Island hospital.
Her name was Katrina Devita. She was 42 years old when she died suddenly. More than a friend, she was a mentor.
I met her when I was 25 years old, deeply caught in the hopelessness and pain of active addiction. She had about 5 years clean and I was unsuccessfully struggling to put 24 hours in a row without using drugs together. She had had her own struggles, having once been homeless on the streets of Chico CA, at the time that we met she was studying to be a nurse while raising two kids all by herself.
I didn’t like her at first. She was nosy, bossy and had a lot of strong opinions. Come to think of it, we had a lot in common.
My 25-year-old self was filled with sadness, anger and self-destruction. I didn’t want to be in pain, but I didn’t know how not to be in pain. My attitude at the time was, “Life sucks. Convince me that I want to live.” I was a lot of work.
Perhaps because she saw herself in me, Katrina stepped up and became my Guardian angel. Never in my life had someone understood me so deeply. I remember talking to her on the phone for the first time and wondering if she was psychic. I didn’t understand how she could know me so well. Now I know that she understood my pain. I was not so unique as I thought. She had been where I was and knew that path. She was further down the path and had been fortunate enough to take road of recovery when she came to the fork in the road. Now she was holding a lamp and trying to guide me in that direction.
I didn’t go too willingly but she never gave up. For two years I struggled but Katrina never abandoned me. She spoke to me endlessly on the phone, she sewed my ripped clothes, she fed me and let me crash on her couch when no one else would have me. I became her shadow and all the while she spoke to me about the way life could be if I stopped hurting myself.
What ensued was an EXTREMELY long growth process and the direction wasn’t always “up!”
As we got to know each other more, our conversations naturally got deeper and more personal. I allowed myself to trust her – something I had stopped doing out of necessity and survival.
It is often said that religion is for people who are afraid of Hell and spirituality is for those who have already been there. This was the case with Katrina. I remember telling her that I didn’t think I would ever get clean because I didn’t believe in God.
“Native Americans believe that when we throw a rock across a river, we change the course of the river.”
She replied.
