Recently when President Obama and the first family were in Italy a photograph was snapped of Malia wearing a “Peace Sign” t-shirt. The conservative website “Free Republic” had a caption contest. The submissions posted were so vile and ugly it is clear they speak to a not-so-hidden racist hatred that many in this country feel towards our first African American president.
Viciously racist verbal attacks on an 11-year-old girl wearing a “peace” t-shirt are quite upsetting on many levels but why am I writing about this on a blog about happiness?
Well, for multiple reasons.
First, let’s examine racism. The late British social psychologist Henri Tajfel and John Turner, of the Australian National University, devised a theory to explain the psychology behind prejudices. They proposed that racism or biases were based in part on the need to think highly of the self. One way to boost a fragile ego is to be part of a distinctive group – like to be on a winning team. To be racist is to feel that the qualities of your own group are enhanced and the attributes of “the other” group is denigrated.
If this group then seems to transcend what the racist considers their natural “place,” hatred and anger is a common response. Ultimately, racist or hateful terms against a particular group are used as a proverbial whip in an attempt to beat that group back to their “place.”
Of course, there is a total lack of introspection in this reaction, as the racist may actually feel victimized when their worldview is challenged by reality. In other words, the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.
Hatred and anger is a heavy burden for the one who carries it.
I am reminded about something Nelson Mandela recalled about his incarceration. He said, “Yes, I was angry. And I was a little afraid. After all I’ve not been free in so long. But,’ he said, ‘when I felt that anger well up inside of me I realized that if I hated them after I got outside that gate then they would still have me.’ And he smiled and said, ‘I wanted to be free so I let it go.” In other words, hate and anger are a poison we take hoping others will die. Simply, if you are carrying anger or hatred towards or a group of people or even a person, let it go.
In order to free myself from the ghost of yesterday’s angry incident, I have to clean up my side of the street. Today I decided that I will write a letter to my cousin’s husband. My goal is to stomp on this bug while it’s small so it doesn’t get the opportunity to grow and turn into a much uglier monster.
An incident like this can poison the air at family gatherings for years to come. I don’t want anyone to be uncomfortable the next time we get together and I want to be free from negativity so I have to take responsibility for my part. Granted, in my opinion, my cousin’s husband played a part in what happened, but that is not the point. If I am to be truly free, the only one I can really control is myself. By letting go of this anger and clearing the air, I free my spirit and make room for other more positive things. If my cousin’s husband decides to hold on to it, then that’s a burden he will carry, not me. Resentments are the poison we take hoping someone else will die. It is said that the forgiving state of mind is a magnetic power for attracting good.
My family has enough challenges and we can’t afford another rip in the fabric. Besides… I really don’t want conflict – it’s just not worth the sleepless nights!
In case you were wondering the gist of the letter goes like this…
“We may not agree on politics, but I am sure we can find many more areas where we both see eye to eye. For instance, I am sure that we can both agree that we have shared far more numerous good memories than bad while together as a family….With that in mind, I hope that you can accept my sincere apology and desire to put this behind us with no hard feelings…”
The letter goes out tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted on what happens.
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I had a really bad day yesterday.
During my youngest cousin’s graduation party, I got into an argument with another cousin’s husband about politics. It got heated pretty fast but when he started to personally attack me, I felt my hands start to shake. The rest became a blur as I slammed my hand down, breaking a glass I was holding. I didn’t mean to break the glass, but it happened and added to the whole drama of the situation. I was ashamed, upset and disheartened so much that I was up all night feeling awful.
Coincidentally, I had taken the day off of work in advance to devote to getting this blog off the ground.
For lack of sleep, I ended up waking up quite late this morning and felt emotionally hung-over. The guilt was overwhelming. Who am I to write a blog about happiness? What a hypocrite!
It took me all day to remember that I am writing this blog, not because I am so “great” and have all the answers but because I need to consciously, actively focus on what works and stay on the right track. It is a fact that whatever we focus on expands. This being the case, I created this blog as a tool to help focus me on the solution rather than the problem. Making mistakes is part of the process. We all have heard the famous Thomas Edison quote about the struggles he encountered while creating the electric light bulb. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10, 000 ways that won’t work.” There is no failure unless I give up.
There is another weird thing that happens when we try to lift our life condition – negative forces seem to pop up everywhere. I am not equating my cousin’s husband as a negative force; I am referring to the negative forces inside.
The truth is, I didn’t have to react to what he was saying. I could have walked away. What scared me is that it happened so fast. It almost seemed like I was drawn in like the Millennium Falcon caught in the Death Star’s tractor beam.
Let me digress for a minute and lay it on the table- I have an anger problem. A friend once asked, “why are you so angry?” “That’s like asking a fish, ‘why do you swim?’” I replied.
