Regular visitors of this site know that I am strong advocate of volunteerism and action.  If you are a person in pursuit of happiness, giving your time to a worthy cause is a sure-fire way to beat the blues and improve the quality of your life.   Sometimes, focusing on our problems and replaying them in our heads again and again only serves to dig us deeper into the hole of self-pity and depression.  If we are in the habit of doing this, spending time helping others is a sure fire way to stop this negative thought pattern.  Simply put, volunteering makes us feel better but it also has another tangible benefit – it improves the chances of finding quality friends as well as a quality mate.

Human beings are social creatures yet many of us struggle with relationships.   It is said that relationships are like putting “Miracle Grow” on our character defects so it is important to come from a place of self-worth when looking for a mate (or friends, for that matter).  Nobody is perfect and nobody is going to “fix us” or “make us happy.”  We make ourselves happy.  To put such pressure on a partner will only serve to breed resentment as that person will inevitably fail in that task.   The saying, “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself” is the truth.  With this in mind, we improve our chances of finding a “quality” mate (and quality friendships) while engaged in altruistic activities – and the science backs this up.

Jeanna Bryner, Senior Writer at the website “LiveScience” wrote:

Guys looking for dates might do well to volunteer at the Salvation Army or help people rescue lost dogs. A new study suggests that women put a high value on altruism in potential mates.

Several factors tend to top the list of desirable mate traits, including physical attractiveness, intelligence and wealth, previous research shows. The new study, which will be published in the November issue of the British Journal of Psychology, suggests another list-topper could be a person’s unselfish tendencies.

“Evolutionary theory predicts competition between individuals and yet we see many examples in nature of individuals disadvantaging themselves to help others,” said lead researcher Tim Phillips, of the Behavior and Ecology Research Group at the University of Nottingham in England. “In humans, particularly, we see individuals prepared to put themselves at considerable risk to help individuals they do not know for no obvious reward.”

Mate choice

In three studies involving more than 1,000 individuals, Phillips and his colleagues found that women place a greater importance on altruism compared with men.

Participants in the studies answered questions about various qualities sought in a mate, including nine examples of altruistic behavior, such as “donates blood regularly,” “volunteered to help out in a local hospital” and “once cared for a stray dog.”

In one of the three studies, the researchers surveyed 170 couples (340 individuals), with an average age of 58, who reported being married or in a long-term relationship.

Each participant rated the importance of nine altruistic behaviors in a mate as well as their own level of altruistic behavior. The preference for altruism reported by one partner was similar to the level of altruism displayed by the other partner.

The researchers say the link between partners suggests altruism may be a factor taken into account by both men and women when choosing a partner.

Selfless seduction

Rather than helping out a friend or even a stranger in exchange for personal gain, altruistic behaviors could be a way to woo a mate, Phillips said. The results suggest the workings of sexual selection, in which traits that are most successful at helping an individual snag a mate become more common in a population.

“For many years the standard explanation for altruistic behavior toward non-relatives has been based on reciprocity and reputation — a version of ‘you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours,’” Phillips said.

He added the lure of helpful mates could be traced back to our ancestors. “The expansion of the human brain would have greatly increased the cost of raising children so it would have been important for our ancestors to choose mates both willing and able to be good, long-term parents,” Phillips said.

In fact, past studies have revealed such selfless behaviors in our closest common ancestor, chimpanzees. And in humans, research has shown that doing good makes you feel good and is linked with happier marriages.

In addition to sexual selection, social norms could also play a role. For instance, while women tend to be seen as nurturing and caring, men are often considered chivalrous and helpful, and so displaying helpful, or altruistic, behaviors. In addition, the researchers say that social norms tend to paint females as somewhat powerless with limited access to resources in society (at least historically). In this stereotyped environment, women would prefer a mate who is willing to unselfishly share power and resources.