I had a really bad day yesterday.
During my youngest cousin’s graduation party, I got into an argument with another cousin’s husband about politics.  It got heated pretty fast but when he started to personally attack me, I felt my hands start to shake.   The rest became a blur as I slammed my hand down, breaking a glass I was holding.   I didn’t mean to break the glass, but it happened and added to the whole drama of the situation.  I was ashamed, upset and disheartened so much that I was up all night feeling awful.

Coincidentally, I had taken the day off of work in advance to devote to getting this blog off the ground.
For lack of sleep, I ended up waking up quite late this morning and felt emotionally hung-over.   The guilt was overwhelming. Who am I to write a blog about happiness?  What a hypocrite!

It took me all day to remember that I am writing this blog, not because I am so “great” and have all the answers but because I need to consciously, actively focus on what works and stay on the right track.  It is a fact that whatever we focus on expands.  This being the case, I created this blog as a tool to help focus me on the solution rather than the problem.  Making mistakes is part of the process.  We all have heard the famous Thomas Edison quote about the struggles he encountered while creating the electric light bulb. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10, 000 ways that won’t work.” There is no failure unless I give up.

There is another weird thing that happens when we try to lift our life condition – negative forces seem to pop up everywhere.  I am not equating my cousin’s husband as a negative force; I am referring to the negative forces inside.

The truth is, I didn’t have to react to what he was saying.  I could have walked away.  What scared me is that it happened so fast.  It almost seemed like I was drawn in like the Millennium Falcon caught in the Death Star’s tractor beam.

Let me digress for a minute and lay it on the table- I have an anger problem.  A friend once asked, “why are you so angry?”  “That’s like asking a fish, ‘why do you swim?’”  I replied.

I had a not-so-happy childhood, which included beatings and neglect.  I had an older brother and an older sister who basically wanted nothing to do with me, as their younger and, I suppose, more annoying sister.  I spent a lot of my childhood hiding out, trying to avoid what I felt were my own personal terrorists.   I raised myself, which is why it took me so long.

I am not bringing this up because I am trying to make excuses or garner pity, but rather because I am trying to let go of the guilt I feel for having reacted so badly.   If I am to have any success in life, I must take responsibility for everything – including and especially the bad parts of myself.  Human beings are an amalgamation of traits both good and bad.  The goal is to minimize the negative and maximize the positive.
I need to understand that the painful childhood experiences affected me in very real ways that sometimes exert negative effects in my adulthood.  If I am to get any value out of what happened yesterday, I need to embrace it as a vehicle for growth – not deny it, and put my head under the covers because I don’t want to “deal.”

Dedicated musicians don’t put down their instruments because they play a sour note; they push through and keep practicing.  Similarly, I cannot give up on myself because of a bad experience.

We can get value out of any situation – good and bad.  I made the decision not to define myself by yesterday’s setback so I feel better already.   I will live, learn and not give up.   I will continue to stay on the path of positivity.   When we make a decision to live a happy life and add value to the world, setbacks will pop up as if on cue.   Today I will turn that poison into medicine and keep moving forward.

Thanks for reading this.  Please tell me what you think.