Mental Health experts agree that the way we think about ourselves, or our self worth, is woven in early childhood. From around the ages of 3 to 5 years old, everything a child experiences is absorbed and formed into what is known as “core beliefs.” We take these beliefs into our adulthood as the filter through which we see the world and shape all of our experiences.
If a child grew up criticized, neglected or abused in any way we can see the effects of this manifested as low self-esteem, disastrous relationships and self-defeating life choices.
Although the child may no longer literally hear the criticizing voice of a parent, they will continue the pattern with negative self-talk. Many times this is unconscious. The negative filter will taint every positive experience, and the person will live as if life is an affliction to be barely tolerated.
Been there. Done that. Not knowing that my negative self-talk was contributing to my misery, I lived like that for years. Hey, what was I supposed to think? It spoke to me in my own voice so it seemed like the truth. I used to say things like, “I hate myself,” “Why was I born?” and “I’m ugly” no matter how many people spoke words to the contrary. Often, I said these things in the guise of “jest” but deep down that is how I felt. When I look back, I feel sad about that little girl who felt that way. When I got older my sadness turned to anger about it and I spent a long period of time hating my parents for their inability to, well… parent.
The anger didn’t serve me either and didn’t change my negative thinking. I was caught in the notion that if I could get my parents to validate the pain they caused me, I could finally be happy. This was a trap too. For myself and for many of us, that day never came.
Finally I had to understand that my happiness was in my own hands and although the negativity of my childhood had stopped long ago, I was perpetuating it by doing it to myself.
Negative Self-talk is like a cunning saboteur who stealthily works against our happiness. It is the programming that we adopted before we were even aware that it was being installed. Now that we’ve established this fact, let’s also establish the fact that it can be controlled.
Researchers can actually predict whether a relationship will survive by counting positive to negative comments. If the ratio is at least five to one the relationship is strong and healthy.
What can we do if the negative comments are coming from inside us?
First we must recognize these negative thoughts and self talk as harmful to our happiness and make a conscious effort to change it. Here’s how:
1) Re-Program Your Brain: While I was re-training my brain to be positive, I listened to positive audio books and affirmations all day on my iPod. My mind was a bad neighborhood and I couldn’t go in there alone. I still do this at times when I am having a particularly bad day.
2) Don’t Dwell on Negative Thoughts: Simply put, if a thought isn’t serving me or is making me feel bad, I let it go. There is no reason to dwell on negative things unless your intention is to feel like crap all the time. Let’s say that someone has done you wrong and you are angry, running it over again and again in your head. Let’s say that you are actually “right” and justified to be upset. Letting it go doesn’t condone what the person did, or make it “OK.” It simply frees you from continuously wounding yourself over it. Letting it go is an empowering gift you give to yourself.
3) Speak No Evil: – especially about yourself. I used to knock myself all the time looking for outside validation. I would put myself down in the hope that someone would say, “no! That’s not true!” Basically, I was giving my power away. Once I started validating myself, I opened my life up to real relationships based on mutual respect, not a sick need to fill an emotional vacuum I couldn’t heal myself.
4) Use Positive Affirmations: It’s true – positive affirmations work. Say them to yourself or out loud until you FEEL them. Don’t just throw the words out there – embrace them and OWN them and you will feel a difference.
5) Re-Define Yourself: If you hear yourself saying things like “I hate myself” or “I’m a ‘glass half empty, kind of person,” even in jest, its time to recognize that you have just set yourself up for limitation. Use positive, present tense words to describe yourself as the person you want to be. Then, “act as if.” I guarantee that you will soon find that you are no longer acting. You were put on this Earth to be happy. You must believe that – even if you I did this trick when I wanted to start my day earlier with more energy. I started telling people that I was a “morning person” and set my alarm. When it went off at 5:30 am, I got right up no excuses and started my day. Now I am a morning person!
6) Surround Yourself with Positive People: If you find that you spend most of the time with your friends complaining about your life, gossiping or engaging in negative conversations or behaviors, well… it’s time to get new friends. Negative people will drag you down quicker that you will bring them up. Change is hard, and when we aspire to better things, your friends should be there to cheer you on to your greatest potential, not hold you back.
7) Go For Your Dreams: We are happiest when we are pursuing our goals. This also helps with negative thinking because even on days where I am having a more difficult time, I can pour myself into things I love and feel like I am making a contribution to the world. For me, this website is one of those dreams. Find yours and go for it!
Remember: Mastering self-talk empowers our lives. Take action today! You can do it!
