On your journey of self improvement, don’t just wander aimlessly – bring a map.
If you’ve read some of my background in the “about” section of this site, you already know that I suffered for many years under the weight of negativity, depression and it’s accompanied repercussions. I have had many struggles and many breakthroughs. To but it simply, it took me a very long time to realize I could choose to live in the solution – but the work never ends. Some days are easier than others and there will always be opportunities to slip back into negativity. This is why it’s essential to work hard to train my brain to focus positively with the goal of developing a high life condition. With that, I can overcome the challenges I face rather than let the challenges overcome me. It’s true that success is possible with a “never give up” attitude but even that is only half the battle.
Even the most tenacious explorers would remain lost in the woods if they didn’t map out where they were going. We can say, “I will never give up” and wander endlessly until collapsing in exhaustion, never actually obtaining the life we want.
:)
:)
One thing I can tell you from personal experience this and I’m sure we will all agree – change is hard. Another thing I know from experience is that change IS possible.
If you read the “About” section of this site, you will see that I was once an extremely negative and even suicidally depressed person. I also used to make a career out of getting high and escaping my problems. Today, I am off all drugs (including alcohol) and I am basically happy and enjoying my life. I’m not one of those hyper annoying types – where everything is awesome! I am a bit more realistic. My brand of happiness is a bit more realistic and I definitely have to work on it. I believe that all the years of negative thinking grooved a pathway in my brain that makes it easy to “go there.”
Today, I tune the negative station out and change the channel to something more positive. It is a choice that is actually very empowering – and a lot better than feeling like I a victim. So let me say again, change is possible. We just have to make a commitment to it. That commitment isn’t made just one time alone but has to be continuously renewed, sometimes on a daily basis. If it is a particularly challenging modification we want to make, or an especially ingrained negative habit we’ve been struggling with for a long time, that commitment may even have to be renewed hourly or even minute-by-minute.
The good thing is that chances are that others have went down that road before. It makes sense to seek out the experts and take the advise of people whose success you want to emulate.
Random Facts About Positive Thinking.
I don’t know anyone who spends more time and effort on maintaining a positive attitude than myself. I’m not patting myself on the back, but just stating a fact. And it’s not out of any virtue that I must exert so much effort on a how to be happy, it is purely out of necessity. In the past, I lived many days of my life in emotional, psychological and spiritual pain. I am fortunate enough to have survived those years where I was my own worst enemy. The only reason I am able to enjoy my life today is because I finally understood that my thoughts were killing me and took action to change them.
Sometimes, I wish I could be like other people and merely “just be happy.”
But I am not like other people. I am not a naturally happy person… I mean… I do believe that I was born happy but I grew up in a violent and dysfunctional household and therefore negativity became my knee-jerk reaction to life. I am not saying that to point fingers or to get sympathy although I did that for many years. For years, I used my dysfunctional childhood as a crutch that I beat everyone over the head with when they challenged my negativity or bad behavior. I also used it as an excuse to not do anything about my life. I felt powerless. On the ship of happiness I wasn’t a member of the crew, or even a passenger, but merely dead weight in the hold.
Understanding that negativity is a habit that diminished the quality of my life finally gave me the freedom to do something about it – but there is work to be done.
Just like a diabetic must monitor their diet and take insulin, I must monitor my thoughts and behavior. A diabetic might curse their fate, wishing that they didn’t have to be so vigilant. But as long as they continue to maintain their life saving routine, they will continue to feel the healthy benefits.
Mental Health experts agree that the way we think about ourselves, or our self worth, is woven in early childhood. From around the ages of 3 to 5 years old, everything a child experiences is absorbed and formed into what is known as “core beliefs.” We take these beliefs into our adulthood as the filter through which we see the world and shape all of our experiences.
If a child grew up criticized, neglected or abused in any way we can see the effects of this manifested as low self-esteem, disastrous relationships and self-defeating life choices.
Although the child may no longer literally hear the criticizing voice of a parent, they will continue the pattern with negative self-talk. Many times this is unconscious. The negative filter will taint every positive experience, and the person will live as if life is an affliction to be barely tolerated.
Been there. Done that. Not knowing that my negative self-talk was contributing to my misery, I lived like that for years. Hey, what was I supposed to think? It spoke to me in my own voice so it seemed like the truth. I used to say things like, “I hate myself,” “Why was I born?” and “I’m ugly” no matter how many people spoke words to the contrary. Often, I said these things in the guise of “jest” but deep down that is how I felt. When I look back, I feel sad about that little girl who felt that way. When I got older my sadness turned to anger about it and I spent a long period of time hating my parents for their inability to, well… parent.
The anger didn’t serve me either and didn’t change my negative thinking. I was caught in the notion that if I could get my parents to validate the pain they caused me, I could finally be happy. This was a trap too. For myself and for many of us, that day never came.
Finally I had to understand that my happiness was in my own hands and although the negativity of my childhood had stopped long ago, I was perpetuating it by doing it to myself.
Negative Self-talk is like a cunning saboteur who stealthily works against our happiness. It is the programming that we adopted before we were even aware that it was being installed. Now that we’ve established this fact, let’s also establish the fact that it can be controlled.
Researchers can actually predict whether a relationship will survive by counting positive to negative comments. If the ratio is at least five to one the relationship is strong and healthy.
What can we do if the negative comments are coming from inside us?
There is a saying whose origin is unknown that has often been attributed as a Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times.” Every day we read more bad news about people loosing their jobs, loosing their homes or both. With never-ending wars, corporate crimes and political greed and corruption, it seems like every day there is a new reason to give up hope.
We are the people who feel the sting of these troubling times and many people are finding it ever more difficult to keep their heads above water.
I know how fortunate I am to have a job and make a point to never lose gratitude. So, I cannot say that I know completely how it is to be looking for work in the midst of this economic crisis but I am well aware of how that could change at any moment. Plenty of my friends have been caught in the wave of layoffs in my industry.
I do have some experience looking for work when I was younger. During the Dot Com boom I looked for a job for two years. I remember well how the frustration, anxiety and depression I felt. This was before my “spiritual awakening,” so to speak, and I was still caught up in my “victimhood”. In spite of that, I was well aware of how my survival depended on not giving up, so I kept moving forward in spite of myself.
It’s funny how sometimes, when it is absolutely essential, we can pull ourselves out of our distorted mindset and take action.
